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dwn_in_brktown [userpic]

There is a part in everyday when I lie to myself and say that it's okay

April 28th, 2008 (02:25 pm)
current location: A chair, in a room, in a house, in a state, in a country.
current song: Where We Went Wrong - The Hush Sound

cause if I don't I think I'll go insane but the truth is I only have myself to blame...

Well holy shit I haven't updated this thing in FOREVER. Luckily I have alot to say right now. And it's all about a boy. Back in December I had met this guy named Ben. He lived about 10 minutes from me and we decided to hang out one day (morning) to watch Gilmore Girls together. Well one thing led to another and eventually we ended up making out hxc. It was great. He was great. Everything was great.

Well we ended up getting together about once a week, on Saturdays, and just spent time together. Mostly fooling around, but we also just spent time together, just together, sometimes we'd nap, or he would nap and I would just watch him. It was honestly the best feeling in the world.

That was until a little over a month ago he told me he was moving to Cali. And I'm not going to lie I was really upset by it. He told me he'd be moving in a month or so but that we couldn't spend the next two weekends together because he had family coming, and I told him I couldn't do anything the following two weekends after that because I would be gone, so as hard as it was for me I told him we should just end things now just so there wouldn't be any messy goodbye or whatever. So we did, we ended things. I guess we kind of both just decided to stay away from eachother, and not talk because a month + some went by and there was no contact between each other.

Then about a week ago I got a text from him telling me how much he misses me. Which broke my heart even more because I was missing him so much. Not a day had gone by that I didn't think about him, and even consider saying screw how hard it would be to say goodbye I need to see him again before he moves. Well the text came on the afternoon I was leaving for Bloomington for my last Hanson show. So I text him back and told him I missed him too, alot. And nothing else was said. But the overwhelming need to see him was getting to me so I finally asked when he was moving. He texted back that he had already moved 2 weeks ago. Which started this whole texting conversation (thank god I switched to unlimited texting). In which after I told him "Cool" to him moving (I know I'm ridiculously lame) he proceeded to text me back to tell me that he was "starting to fall inlove with me". And almost instantly I started crying. I don't really know why exactly I was crying, just alot of things running through my head I guess. I mean I was surprised, by also sad because before he moved I spent alot of my time away from Ben questioning how he felt about me, and what his motives were for having me around.

Well I text him back and instead of being really honest with him, I simply replied, I was really starting to fall for him too. Silly naive me didn't tell him that I was honestly falling inlove with him. Well in the middle of texting he decided to call me, and once again emotional me started crying. I missed and miss him so much. I want him to come back so badly. But I can't ask him to do that. I won't ask him to do that. Especially not now that I've completely screwed this whole thing up more.

See in having the conversation with him we decided to keep talking. But in true Ben fashion after that conversation time started passing and eventually a week and a half went by with nothing from him. Which I know shouldn't surprise me because it's Ben and this is how he has been since the day we started whatever it was we had going, but I thought, I don't know what I thought, I just was hoping after saying something like that things would be different. I'm not saying I wanted to have hours of conversation or have to talk to him every minute of every day. I just wanted to not feel like I did before he left. I wanted to feel like I mattered to him. I wanted some sort of awknowledgement that I was here.

Well yesterday while I was at work I texted him and told him that I know I said we should keep talking but that I didn't think it was a good idea. He asked why and I told him that trying to let go of everything I was feeling is hard enough, but trying to do that with him still around would be impossible. The unfortunate thing is that I don't want to let go of how I was feeling. I want to hold onto it for dear life. I want to keep how I felt for him in my heart because as much as I hate to admit it, he made me happy. I mean honestly, and not in a "I'm gunna fake it" happy. Being with him was the most peaceful and safe and comfortable I've felt ever. I've suddenly realized that the only reason I said what I said (about not talking) was because I just wanted some sort of reaction from him. I didn't mean it, but what's said is said I guess. Anyway I didn't get an answer to that and I started freaking out, realizing how stupid I was. I admitted that I was scared. Which I am. Only because I don't know exactly why he said what he said, I dont know what that meant to him, what that means for us, what he wants me to do with it, where we go from there.

So after not texting him for like 5 hours (I hate that I'm becoming that girl who keeps bugging someone like that. I don't want too do it but I just need something from him) before I went to bed I text him and asked him if I could ask him something. He said sure, and I asked him what he was expecting from us talking and what he really wanted. And to no shock I got no response. Well no thats a lie I am a little bit shocked he didn't answer. I guess thats just his way of telling me to go away. Which after all of this I intend to do. I don't want too, but I don't really know what to do now. I don't want him to think I want him gone, because I don't. I want him around even if we just stay friends. But being a girl I have to know what is going on with him. Even if he doesn't want to tell me. Because telling me you were starting to fall inlove with me is a HUGE thing for me. Especially since no one has ever told me that. So I guess it threw me for a loop and I didn't know how to process that and just went completely out of my mind.

I guess what would be best for the both of us is if we did just go our seperate ways and moved on. I mean with him so far away I don't know what else can be done. Because the pessimist in me is saying eventually one of us is going to move on and find someone else. Unless of course he comes home, but that aside I just don't know how this would work to benefit either of us. Unless of course he told me what he told me just to fuck with my head, and get it off his chest and now that he has he intends on moving on. Okay seriously I need to stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen and just focus on what has happened. And what I want. Which is him, and sanity.

And that is where I end, I end with what has happened and what I must sort through and what is best for the both of us in the long run.

Ben, if you ever read this, I want you to know everything in here is 100% real. I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass this last week. I promise it all stops now. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes, and I did and do love you. I hope everything works out for you in California. If not come home please.