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dwn_in_brktown [userpic]

I could say that I don't care

May 16th, 2008 (01:40 pm)
current mood: blank
current song: Don't You Dare - Alexz Johnson

but the truth is I'd follow you any where, I've been waiting such a long long time, don't you dare change your mind.

I've come to realize one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling like nothing is right inside. I thought that by telling Ben we shouldn't talk it would make getting over him and everything easier. But the hard reality I'm suddenly facing is that it's harder. I feel just as bad as I did when he was still around, if not worse. It's just so hard to get my mind off of him. I can't listen to any music without hearing a song that reminds me of him, I can't sleep without having a dream about him, I can't think without there being some thought of him.

I wish I had the courage to call him or text him or something and tell him how big of an idiot I am for lying to him and telling him that not talking would be easier on me. The truth is I don't know what is better or easier. It's just as hard having him around than it is to not. I just hate feeling like no matter what I do I'm in a place I don't want to be. I never really believed it when people say you never know what you have till it's gone. But this is the first time in my life that I've realized how true that is. All I know is that having Ben in my life was the best and shortest 3 months. If I could relive them over and over I would. Even with how I doubted him sometimes. Even feeling like he didn't care alot of the times.

I never once would've imagined how this would've turned out. I never would've believed that I would be this upset over him not being around. It sucks knowing how much of an impact he made on me and I may have ruined that completely. I just can't stop thinking about all the negative that would've come from the constant (or lack there of) communication. I mean other than not being able to let go, there is that constant fear of eventually one of us will move on. One of us will find someone else and what would that do to the other person? I mean I would love to remain friends with Ben, but at this point I just don't see how thats possible. I don't see how any of it is possible.

I've never felt so unsure and completely lost in my entire life. I mean I think back on the past relationships and friendships that I've lost and I could always see the point in life when I was okay without it. And I mean it's only been a month since this whole thing happened but I just can't see myself being able to think about Ben and not want to cry. I can't see myself being okay and that scares me.

I think if I had answers to the questions I might be okay. If I could ask him why he dropped the "L" word on me or why he wanted to keep me around. Or what any of it means to him. But without the answers I don't know if I'll ever be okay. Which sucks. It sucks because the mear thought of even looking for someone else makes me sick to my stomach. The idea of putting myself out there doesn't feel right or good to me. I never knew that someone could have such a strong effect and hold on me in such a sort time. I thought I was doing good with keeping myself at an arms length. I thought I was doing good holding back and keeping myself in check. Clearly I was wrong.

I guess thats all I have to say.



Posted by: Amanda (lavendersunrise)
Posted at: May 17th, 2008 01:30 pm (UTC)

Hey hun, long time no talk. The 'L' word can be a pretty scary thing especially after such a short time period. I know things will get better, if it's meant to happen it will.

Try txting him and asking him if you can meet for coffee and talk!

Posted by: dwn_in_brktown (dwn_in_brktown)
Posted at: May 17th, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
dean skin back

hey there love.

Thanks for reading this. I wasn't sure if anyone ever did. I did text him yesterday and didn't get an answer. I would totally ask him for coffee but him living in Cali makes that a little difficult. See this whole thing started because he moved and then told me that he loved me. I was like "WTF?" anyway he IMed me today and we're talking. Not about any of this because I don't think I could get it out of him even if I wanted too.


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