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dwn_in_brktown [userpic]


June 11th, 2008 (12:39 pm)
current location: a chair
current song: Bulls In Brooklyn - The Academy Is...

Over the last couple of days I've been doing a lot of thinking... just about life in general and everything thats been going on with Ben. Realizing that he really does mean a lot to me. I've just been to scared or afraid to admit that to anyone, even myself.

The other day on my way to work I started thinking about the last relationship I was in, if you could even call it that. Because dating someone for barely 2 months just doesn't seem like a legitimate relationship. But I realized that my last relationship fell victim to my very distructive cycle. I've been aware of this cycle, this habit for a really long time. I've tried to fight it, but it usually wins over in the end.

My whole life, I've been scared to give in to any sort of emotional relationship. I've been scared to let my guard down and let go of any fear I have about being with someone. But I've never been able to do that. I've always kept apart of myself at bay incase something went wrong. Incase things ended I wouldn't feel like such an idiot for letting someone in. I've always kept a wall up, keeping what I could out, all while at the same time letting myself feel things that may or may not have been real. I feel like a walking contradiction sometimes. Because even though I have this wall, I pour myself completely into someone. I guess it's not really a wall within myself that I have, it's a wall between myself and someone else that I put up. Because I do, I let myself go completely when I'm with someone. I sometimes tend to build up feelings that sometimes are too strong.

I guess the only way I can explain it is to give an example. With Javier, who some may remember, but others don't know. I realized recently that whole situation/relationship was built around a lie. Not a lie we told each other, but a lie someone else told us. See the whole relationship started because a mutual friend of ours told us the other liked each other. So she told him that I liked him, which I never told her, and she told me that he liked me. So one day we hung out and the rest is pretty much history. After his accident I tried to be there for him, but I've started see that I asked too much of him at the time. He was already dealing with so much and trying to recover, and I was so demanding of his attention. So I get why things ended now. But at the time, when things started going south I started coming up, making up reasons to be mad at him. I started telling myself what a jackass he was and eventually I believed it. He wasn't a bad guy, he was going through a lot and I just pushed him away. I guess I did hold on to tightly. I think, I don't know, but I think all he wanted was space, and I rarely gave it to him. I was always calling him and bugging him begging for attention. And when I didn't get it I did a 180 and went from really liking him to really not liking him. So I did something stupid and pretty much forced him to break up with me. If I hadn't told him to break up with me if he was going to, maybe he wouldn't have. Maybe if I had given him time to deal with things and given him space things would've been different. But because things happened the way they did I'll never know. I can't change the past but I can try to prevent it from happening again.

And that brings me back to the present, and Ben. I've started doing the same exact thing with Ben. I never took myself as the kind of girl who needed that constant interaction with someone, and maybe I don't. Maybe what I need is the constant reassurance that this is all real. When Ben moved I kept telling myself that I was fine, that it didn't matter to me. But the truth is, the day he told me he was moving I was crushed. Ben made and makes me feel like I am capable of letting go and that I could be myself around him and not feel like a complete ass. For the first time even I started letting my guard down. Maybe not alot but a little at a time I did. But then there were times that I would get so mad at him for the stupidest things, EI: not calling me or texting me everyday, that I would put that guard back up and once again make up reasons to be angry at him. I would take all the things that pissed me off (things that shouldn't piss me off) and dwell on them until I was so angry I didn't even care anymore. Ben really is the most amazing person I've ever met. And I feel like I'm ruining it by letting myself do these things that keep him at an arms length. He's never once done a thing that deserved me being pissed at him. It's just my head gets in the way. I dwell on the things that piss me off and not the good things. And I find and make up things to be angry. Because I am terrified to let him in. I'm scared that he's just saying the things he thinks I want to hear and that he doesn't mean any of it. And I have no vaild reason to think or feel like that. He's been nothing but genuine with me. I just have the inability to believe the good things. Maybe the childhood has something to do with it... or all of it to do with it. But I don't want to do what I've done in the past with Ben. I want to be able to go days without talking to him and feel okay about it. Because I mean really who needs to talk to someone every day? It's not healthy.

I guess I just have a hard time believing that anyone would want to be with me, in any way. Emotionally or physically. I mean when you're told your entire life the way you are and look is wrong and it needs to change it sticks with you. So when someone, anyone, shows any sort of interest in the person you are you don't believe it. Because it's wrong (in your head). It's not normal for someone to want something that is wrong, because what you're taught when you're a kid is wrong is wrong. Wrong is never right. I've learned to like the person I am, I just don't like what the past has done to my head.

I just don't know how to fix the broken and jaded parts of me. I don't know how to be able to let someone care about me and not push them away. I've been trying so hard with Ben. I've been struggling alot but I've really been trying. I mean when I told him we shouldn't talk, I knew it was a mistake. But instead of just letting go I tried to fix it. I took it back and I don't know if walking away hurt what we had/have but knowing that instead of completely walking away and giving up I fixed the mistake makes me proud. Like maybe there is a glimour of hope for me. And maybe for once I'll be happy and able to fall inlove. Even if it's not with Ben (but I hope it is).

So for anyone who reads this, Ben isn't a bad guy. Reguardless of what you may think. He's pretty amazing and I'm lucky he's stuck around as long as he has. Even if he is on the other side of the country right now. I'm lucky.