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dwn_in_brktown [userpic]

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

June 22nd, 2008 (05:38 pm)
current mood: crushed
current song: Thirteen - SK6ERS

the giving up is the hardest part

I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I had finally found something worth trying at. I thought- I don't know what I thought.

Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion or maybe I'm reacting exactly how I should. All I know is I'm hurt, actually I've been hurting for a while now. But everything up to yesterday was all me. Lately things have been really different with Ben. I just never realized how different until yesterday.

So what happened yesterday? As stupid or childish as it's about to sound I am hurt. Yesterday I found out he had blocked me on AIM. I know it's ridiculous to be upset but I am. The moment I realized it the first thing that ran through my head was to send him the nastiest text I could muster up. And I would've too, if I had let my emotions get the best of me. But instead I just asked him simply if he had done it thinking I wouldn't notice. And to my surprise, or maybe not to my surprise, he said yes, then said he does it with everyone for "a little bit, but it's a long story." Maybe I shouldn't take it so personally but I can't help it.

Now everyone is telling me he's shady, to be done with him. That all the amazing things he said to me he said to get what he wanted. I don't want to believe it, but right now, I can't help but to believe that he just said things to fuck with me. Literally and figuratively. I feel so stupid right now. I feel like such an idiot, but at the same time, as much as I would love to hate him and believe my friends, I don't think he said anything he didn't mean. I don't think he would've said something without atleast meaning it then. Now is a whole different story but at the time maybe he meant it.

I just hate how before he moved I always felt like I could talk to him about anything, no matter how stupid or mundane. I hate how he always knew when something was bothering me. How he could just look at me and know I wasn't okay. But now, it's been weeks and he had no idea anything was wrong with me. Or maybe he did and he just didn't care. I've tried to talk to him about things, things that have had me on the edge of a complete melt down, but when I have he just shut down, shut me out- block me out shall we say.

I just don't understand why he bothered to keep me around. I just don't get it.

Kristina