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dwn_in_brktown [userpic]

How can you read me like no one else?

July 6th, 2008 (03:51 pm)
current location: home
current song: Heaven - Angels & Airwaves

I hide behind these words but I'm coming out

I have to say this weekend may have been one of the best weekends I've ever had. No scratch that... it IS the best weekend I've ever had. And I owe 99% of that to Ben.

Haha yes Ben (dun dun dun). As much as I'm sure some would love to hear he's out of the picture he's not. He's actually more in the picture than before. Atleast I hope. I just, I'm so happy right now, I can't stop smiling and it's ridiculous. Ben may be my new Hanson. You know the only thing in this world that makes me 100% happy, so happy I smile at just the mere thought of it. That was Hanson. Maybe not it's Ben... just check back with me in a week and we'll see how that goes.

Anyway it's the end of the 4th of July weekend and so so much has happened. It started friday, where normally I'd be all bummed out because work is stupid and closing sucks on a friday. But before I even managed to attempted to get ready for work I got a text from Ben. Which I wasn't really expecting. At all. The jist of the texts between us were that I was mean to him, he was home for the weekend, and wanted to know if I wanted to come over. Letting curiosity get the best of me I agreed to go over there (to his parents house) because I really wanted and needed to talk to him. I just needed to speak my peace and be done with everything. But that's definitely NOT how it went.

So I get to his parents house and right off the bat all I want to do is cry, and yell at him and tell him I thought he was a real ass. But yeah I got there and just stayed silent. Cried a little when he told me how much he had missed me and when he took my hand (which was in my hoodie pocked clutching my phone). So after about 20-30 minutes of me just sitting there, not looking at him, crying like a baby, almost deciding to just leave I managed to finally tell him everything that has been bothering me over the last 4 months. And boy do I mean EVERYTHING.

It started off with me confessing how confused I was about the "love" text he had sent me months earlier (which I still have saved because I'm never deleting that). I asked him if he meant it, he said yes, I then asked if he still felt that way, and he said yes. I told him that hearing that scared the shit out of me (well not like that but whatever). He asked why. I told him it was because no one has ever said that to me, and it's kind of a big deal. He agreed. So then I told him I wanted to tell him something. But then quickly backed out when he agreed to hear what I had to say. But of course because he's Ben he wouldn't let me so eventually I just looked right at him and said it. " I love you." (Why are those three words so fucking hard to get out? I mean it's just three words. So why did it take me 4 months and 2 semi idiotic freak outs to finally say it? I guess because it's not just three words. It's a whole new level of emotions that could in all honesty break me. But I don't really care.) He looked at me (with this cute half smile) and said "thank god I thought I was the only one" or something along those lines. Then he looked me right in the eyes and told me he loved me too. And apart of me wanted to cry, because I was already an emotional idiot, but all I did was smile. And I don't think I've stopped since. And despite my promise to myself of not doing ANYTHING with him I kissed him.

Then after that everything just started pouring out of my mouth like a bad case of verbal diarreah. I asked him about the whole AIM thing. He explained why he did it and apologized repeatedly for not just telling me. I told him I was really pissed at him and that I had intended on sending him a really nasty text but never did. (best judgment call ever). I told him how recently I've been feeling like I can't talk to him about anything anymore because he just brushes them off. Then once again against my promise we cuddled in his bed. And thats all the details I'm going to share with that. We did finally get to know each other though. I know it sounds ridiculous but we never really did have that conversation where we know eachothers last names or birthdays. But we do now.

The only bad thing with this whole situation is that he's still a billion trillion miles away. And the things is, he says he wants to come home. He says he wanted to be home by the start of winter but I just don't know if he really will. And that terrifies me to no end. Knowing that I put all of this out there and not know what the future is going to have instore for us. I'd hate to think I finally said I love you to someone and it comes to an end soon after. I mean I don't know if it will, but until he does come home it's all still so uncertain. I did tell him I was playing with the idea of moving to Tulsa, to which he said "please don't go." If I didn't go, it wouldn't be because he asked me not too. Before any of this happened I had already been doubting any sort of idea to moving.

Anyway thats all I can think to say about my 4th of July.

OH except I saw Drake Bell last night. Yeah it was AWESOME. Front row, got great pictures, and Drake is HOTT!

Okay I'm done blabbing.