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dwn_in_brktown [userpic]

No damage you can do now, I'm immune to you now, you can't break what broke apart...

March 6th, 2009 (12:06 pm)

I've spent the last three or four months trying to figure out what went wrong this time? Was it me? Again? Or did I finally do everything right and I'm just not worth sticking around for? It's currently 3:48 in the morning and I should be asleep. But for some god forsaken reason I can't get my thoughts to subside long enough for me to fall into a decent sleep. I can't stop thinking about the past six months and how it all seemed to be an obvious lie.

I find myself at random moments in the day, replaying certain events in my head, picking apart every word, every movement, every sound, trying desperately to find some sort of sign this would come. Apart of me, well a big apart of me always knew you'd leave. I always had that feeling this was all too good to be true. I just wish I had been smart enough to protect my heart better. Because even if no one knows it, I'm suffering from the most devastating broken heart, I'm just too afraid to feel it. I'm scared I won't be able to pick myself back up, and put myself back together after falling so hard. So instead I ignore the intense pain in my heart. I ignore all the sadness and anger and keep myself numb to it all.

I'd like to sit here and say I hate you, that I regret all the things we had, but I can't. I've only had one regret in my life, and you aren't it. I won't lie about how I feel about you. I won't say something that is ridiculously untrue. I love... loved you. I use the past tense of the word for the simple reason that I refuse to love someone who doesn't love me back.

I just can't seem to figure out why you brought such a devastating idea into the whole situation. I didn't ask you to say the things you said. I didn't make you say them. You said them on your own. So why? When it's more then obvious it wasn't true? I was perfectly content with the way things were. When we met will I deny that what I really wanted was to fall in love? No. Because everyone wants to fall in love. But when you told me you were moving things changed. Maybe I should've asked you to stay but what right did I have? And what would have changed? Would you have stayed if I had asked? If you had told me you loved me before you left would I have then begged for you to stay with me? Honestly... I don't know. I would like to think I would have but at the same time, I'm not the kind of person who is going to hold someone back from doing what they want. So you left. You left and we went our separate ways. Something that broke my heart more than I ever let on. Even though you leaving was harder on me than I ever told you one question always rattled around in my head. You used to ask me why I didn't ask you to stay, I want to know, if you had known how you felt about me before you left, why didn't you ask me to come with you? Because the truth is, I probably would've. I would have done anything you had asked of me, at the drop of a hat, with no questions asked. I just never felt like I would've gotten the same from you.

Then on that cold, disgusting day in April you reappeared, throwing my world into a complete tailspin. That night you told me you loved me, I was shocked. I had no idea that idea was even being played with in your head. But I do know, the day you told me you were moving, is the day I realized I was in love with you. The day I realized I'd probably never see you again is when everything was suddenly put into perspective. I was in love. But I selflessly let you go so you could live your life. Except... you wouldn't let me go.

If you did love me, which I have a hard time believing at this point, then why are things the way they are now? Why haven't I heard from you in over five months? How do you tell someone you love them and then completely ignore them and pretend they don't exist? I exist! My feelings, my heart, it's real. It's not something you can just pretend never happened. If you stopped feeling the way you felt before I completely understand. Being 2,000 miles a way changes a person's perception of things. I get that, but why couldn't you have just been a man and told me? Why couldn't you have just called me and say "hey listen I care about you but this just isn't working." How hard is that? Would I have been upset? Yes. But atleast I would know. I mean even I had the guts to try and walk away once. Atleast I told you I wasn't sure I could do this. I was wrong, I could, but atleast I told you. It's just so hard, because I had trust issues before you came along, and now they're about a thousand times worse. How can I believe anything anyone says? If someone is so willing to throw such a damaging word like love around how can I be sure it's real?

I don't know, maybe this whole thing is my fault? Maybe I should've tried harder? Maybe I should've been more open with you? Maybe I should have asked you to stay? Maybe I should've kept texting and calling? I just hate thinking about "maybes" and "what would've happened". I wanted to keep calling and texting but after going weeks without hearing from you I felt like I had no choice but to give up. Why should I put an effort into something or someone who can't do the same for me? It's not like I was asking you to give up your life for me. I'm not that girl who HAS to talk to someone every day. But weeks? No. I couldn't do that. I do think about you every day though.

I guess... despite it all, I really should thank you. If it weren't for you, I never would've realized I could fall in love. I was always so scared of it, but atleast now I know I can be in love an happy. Even if things didn't work out how I would have hoped. I owe you a lot.

I hope that you find or have found what it is you need in this life. I hope you find someone you can really be open with and when you say I love you... really mean it.